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11/04/2003 at 11:28 AM GMT

"Bored, bored, bored"

Well I'm back at work following a week off with the worst flu I've had for years, and I can honestly say I am bored senseless. I would rather be back in bed feeling like death warmed up, than be at work doing what I have to do. I think I have mentioned before that I am writing an academic journal paper, and it is something I hate doing. I suppose it comes from being a very visual person - I enjoy creating visually appealling things liek art, and sculpture. I also enjoy things like DIY, gardening, repair work and the like - all hands on things. But writing reports I absolutely detest. With my job, I enjoy the research and the programming, but doing the documentation afterwards is like pulling teeth for me.

I am also dreading writing up my PhD, which I start in the next month or so, after nearly a five year break. I am beginning to remember why I left this job the first time - boredom. I got to the point where I was so frustrated and fed up, that I moved into the e-learning industry as an Authorware developer. I spent 4 years in the industry, and thoroughly enjoyed every minute, until the dot.com bubble burst. In addition the last company I worked for had an absolute b*d for an MD, and he made his employee's lifes a nightmare. So I decided to leave the company, and due to personal circumstances, and the lack of local jobs in the e-learning industry I moved back into academia. I convinced myself that it was only a job purely for the money and nothing else, but after a month I started to get that "dying" feeling inside. Now I'm sure that some of you probably think I am just lazy, but that is far from the truth. If that was the case, this site would not be up and running, I would not update it as often as I try to do, I would not have a job, or a successful marriage, or be involved with the relevant projects I have an interest in, including my wifes craft business.

At the end of the day I just want to be happy in what I do - is that such a big thing to ask? I know we can't all do the jobs we would ultimately like to do, else we would all be sunbed testers in the Maldives (lol), but what is wrong with trying?

I seem to be surrounded by people with extreme work ethics - must work myself to the grave, for a faceless organisation, just to achieve five minutes of glory, to retire at the age of 65, with heart problems and a lifetime of regret realising I've wasted my life for someone else.

My work ethic is somewhat different. I want to work (and work hard), but I want to reap the benefits, have the successes, and the failures, according to my own rules, not someone elses. Its like my PhD, I'm not convinced I am doing it for myself, I think I am doing it for everyone else. Why else would I have given up the first time? This is not like me I DO NOT give up! I just have not settled it in my head yet, and that is why I keep putting it off.

I drive into work in the morning, and invariably get stuck in traffic. I look at all the gray faced drivers of the other cars, who have obviously been doing this for the whole of their working lives, and it scares the hell out of me. Is this what I am faced with for the rest of my career? A grey life, working in a grey job, coming home to a grey family, with odd bits of excitement at the weekend. This is just not me.

I sometimes think my family do not understand me. After going to university, they expected me to get a good office job, knuckle down, and not rock the boat for the rest of my life, just as they have done. I can't do that. Perhaps I am a restless spirit, but I know life has more to offer than just being a slave to the system. Yes money is an issue, but money can come from many different sources. About two years ago I fell ill, and had to take some time off work. I was reduced to about a third of my normal salary, but we survived, and we survived incredibly well. We also actually enjoyed the experience, as we felt we were actually "living" because we had to fight for every penny, and spend it wisely. It made us appreciate everything so much more. I still feel very much like that now.

I suppose I want to be the master of my own destiny, run my own "enterprise", in the way that I want. Fortunately my wife feels very much the same, so we are endeavoring to try various approaches to achieiving the way of life that we want. In the mean time I am stuck here with my paperwork, wishing the days away.

Boredom, as most people know is one of the worst feelings to have - it eats away at you until nothing is left. It is all very well saying, "oh just get on with it and get it out of the way", but as everyone knows its not easy to do - if you have something you really dislike doing or find boring, it is not easy to muster the enthusiam to get on with it. It can also have an adverse affect on your self confidence, it makes you lacklustre, and makes you look for distractions more and more.

Suffice to say I am undergoing a lot of re-evaluation of my life and career, and have been doing so for a few months now. This site is the first stepping stone along the path I want to take. I've got to try; I don't want to stand back in thirty years and regret that I never had a go. It takes courage to try these things, and that is something I am not short off - all my life I have had to be courageous in one form or another, and I am not about to stop now! Sometimes though it would just be nice to have someone hold your hand a little to guide you on your way, as no matter how talented you are, we all need help and support from time to time.

Anyway, enough waffle for today. Please don't think I am unhappy, as generally I am not. I love my wife, my family, my animals, I've just got a little lost a long the road of my life, and need pointing back in the correct direction. It will rectify itself, I know it will, I just don't know when and how. I often wish I was one of those "grey" people, who never question their life, and just get on with it, but then I realise how lucky I actually am, to have had my eyes opened to what life actually is, and what is important in it. This is in no way a religious thing, just a self awareness, and I can only hope and wish that anyone else reading this entry can experience the same thing. It is painfull, but ultimately satisfying as you see everything with different eyes. Just stand back from you life and start asking questions, and see where it takes you; you will be surprised.

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